FACEBOOK POST JAN 4 2023

Prostate Cancer, ADHD/Family of Origin/Ancestral Sleuth Shadow Work 101:

My Neurodivergence & hyper-sensitivity disguised as “Learning Disabilities” manifested in what was, back in the day (late 1960’s), labeled “hyperactivity” and now called “ADHD: Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.” I spent the latter half of the 2000’s touring the US Re-Framing ADHD as a “Gift” instead of a “Disorder” through my character education assembly program using the Art of Live-Looping as a platform to share the “Hunter/Farmer Theory” made popular by radio-host and author Thom Hartmann. The idea that the traits of ADHD (hyper-focus, impulsivity and distractibility etc.) were a key part of the Neurodivergent “Hunter Brain Wiring” for successful hunting. I’m convinced Border Collies are an excellent example of this!

I want to share my experience of the gifts and the challenges that come with my brand of Neurodivergence. After 62 years of living with this “Hunter Brain Wiring” and my 2020 Prostate Cancer healing deep dive into my Family of Origin Shadow Work, I feel like the trauma I experienced during my childhood has exacerbated many of the challenging aspects of my ADHD. I’ve realized that much of the unrecognized anxiety and depression I’ve lived with my entire life have been interwoven with daily coping mechanisms to help me deal with my lack of the Executive Function of Working Memory. From the daily challenges of “forgetting” little things like my keys or numerous other items on my way out the door then back again 2 or 3 times before I can finally hit the road, to the “work pressures” of remembering lyrics, song arrangements and instrumental parts, to my penchant for improvisation and never being able to play anything the same way twice.

As a band leader, one of my favorite professional coping mechanisms I use is what I call “The Reverend Policy.” Coined from a story I heard told by one of the guitar students of Rev. Gary Davis (acoustic blues guitarist/gospel singer and writer of Sampson & Delilah, Death Don’t Have No Mercy) who was a taught a song by the Reverend and after learning it the way the Reverend showed him, came back the next week to his lesson and the Reverend played the song for him and his student exclaimed “that’s not the way it goes!” and the Reverend shot back “This IS the way it goes… TODAY!” Bam! End of story! Keep your head up on the gig, cuz you never know the way the songs will go from show to show, even after many rehearsals! #TheReverendPolicy

My 2020 Family of Origin/Ancestral Shadow Work led me to the recent recognition of my Executive Functioning Working Memory challenges. These combined with my Neurodivergent ADHD brain, the internal pressure of my artistic perfectionism and the “need” to do things “right” based in my childhood trauma was a perfect storm for my constant feelings of not being good enough, fueling my bouts of anxiety and depression that would have me hide out for long periods of time and avoid being out in the world giving my gifts. I’ve come to realize that my older brother’s unrecognized borderline Autistic Neurodivergence, full-fledged diagnosed Depression, unresolved childhood trauma/shadow work combined with extreme physical & psychological pain drove him to take his life on Christmas Eve a year ago.

It is my hope that in sharing my story that others may benefit to avoid such an outcome.

In 1969 after moving to a new school and being held back in 3rd grade then the next year skipping 4th grade, I was offered to be put on meds in 5th grade. Ritalin was a brand new drug being touted as a cure for this newly invented “mental disorder.” They also gave me the option of going on caffeine by drinking coffee instead of the “little white pills” but in those days the instant coffee of Folgers Coffee Crystals, and Maxwell House were the only options available. If we had Starbucks back then, my go to 4-shot Espresso Con Panna (12oz cup filled w/ whip cream then doused with 4-shots, 4 raw sugars and a tad of steamed milk to top it off) would’ve been a strong contender as an option before school.

Being a late bloomer, younger and smaller than everyone else in my grade, I had to use my voice, humor, creativity and agility to navigate my way through school. I still have my 5th grade report card that said things like “He’s super bright but needs to apply himself” and “Art needs to learn to control his emotions!” Being a double Virgo (Sun & Rising) I had a lot to say about everything with a nuanced, critical eye. Some things never change…

I was (and still am) constantly plagued with the feeling of not being good enough and frankly, being smaller and young for my class, I wasn’t good enough in many areas. I have numerous memories of my below average grades, being bullied, picked on and beat up for my constant impulsiveness, verbal expressions, clever schemes and witty banter or always being picked last for team sports (except hockey where being small and an agile skater made me a pretty decent hockey player). Not surprising tho, my nickname in hockey was “Motormouth!”

But behind the outer issues at school there was the trauma at home, when I was 10, I was raped by my cousins over the Thanksgiving Holiday and also sexually abused by other family friends the next spring. Fortunately Hockey happened to be a socially acceptable avenue to express my unresolved rage. Many times I would drop the gloves and go ballistic on an opponent in our house league games since role models like Chicago Black Hawk’s defenseman Kieth Magnuson and his hot temper and frequent on ice fights were revered and loved by many a Hawks fan.

The trauma of consistently being told “no” to whatever I was doing as a highly sensitive and hyperactive (ADHD) boy and never being able to do things “right” in my mother’s eyes, wired my nervous system into constant states of “flight” and “freeze.” The message I internalized was basically “it’s not ok to be ME.” I’m pretty sure by the time I was almost 5 my mother couldn’t wait to get me out of the house and into the best baby sitter a mom could ask for….the public school system! In Kindergarten I was pulled out of class many times by the ear (ouch!) for various “behavioral issues” like taking a hammer to a classmate's tower of wooden Lego blocks and so many other fun things! The plan of Public School baby-sitting kind of backfired since being young for my class and hyper AF, I got kicked out of 1st grade. After a few months of daily visits to the Principal’s office, they finally told my mother to keep me at home after lunch for the rest of the school year. Oh the irony!

Trouble was no stranger in my world by the time I was in my middle school years and my creative hyperactivity/ADHD found an outlet with various clever delinquent endeavors like “The Great 6th Grade Rubber-band/PaperClip Heist,” getting kicked out of Art Class (via class-mates petition) after the last straw of creating a massive medicine ball sized Brownish Paper Mache Blob colored with all craft paints mixed together, my infamous “Binaca Balls” (smelly eucalyptus flavored spitballs shot out of empty Bic Pens) and the strategury of my well thought out stunt “The Inherit the Wind Play-Cracker Ball Gavel Explosion” in 7th Grade Science class, where I taped a cracker ball (fire cracker) onto the gavel head for my classmate actor who played the judge in the courtroom of the play “Inherit The Wind” to call the court to order with a bang!!

Again, behind the outer shenanigans at public school there was another level of trauma happening at home when at 12 years old in 1972 I get a hold of this new technology from my father’s home office: a cassette recorder, and end up listening to a tape of him having sex with his girlfriend half his age. At the time I interpreted it as them having a conversation on the couch but when I started doing my Family of Origin Sleuth Work as an adult I realized what was really happening on that tape that as a 12 year old I couldn’t comprehend. I do remember feeling the rage at my father for betraying my mother. Who was this woman he was with? What was going on? How could he do this to my mother? I beat my pillow with all my might, crying and shaking. My body knew what was up and felt it all but my immature mind couldn’t deal. Unconsciously at that time I made the decision that sex, money and power was no bueno and would fuck everything up.

Just more trauma hidden away until I was able to start the un-packing process as an adult thru spiritual/energetic healing, therapy, Family of Origin Sleuth Work and finally the crushing energy of 2020 combined with my Prostate Cancer diagnosis asking me to look for the deeper causes thru my own personal and transpersonal Ancestral Shadow Work. That process led me to examine my unconscious shadow aspects that have roots in my ancestral lineage and childhood experience and were manifesting as default coping mechanisms for my “Learning Disabilities” and default ways of being that were unconsciously trying to meet my unmet needs from childhood. Using humor as a way to deflect and criticism of others as a way to feel “right,” my needs for safety, control of my body and respect were met on a superficial level. These default ways of being also kept me safe from having to look at the deeper shadow aspects of myself and from feeling the unresolved emotional pain of these unmet needs and childhood traumas.

The energy of 2020 and my innate healing process led me to examine my bandwidth of saying YES to energies and relationships that were not respectful and supportive to my being. The feeling of being used and disrespected taught me to draw personal boundaries and say NO to those “friends” that were reflecting back to me the dysfunctional energies that my nervous system was wired to accept in childhood. This was no easy task. It also came with the familiar feeling of not being good enough and being the scapegoat of other’s unconscious shadows being projected onto me. And to be honest, my shadow can be kind of a dick and a “know it all” so when my shadow parts are running the show, combined with all my opinions and eagerness to “share” them, I can be a lot to take in and I can tap out other’s limited bandwidth. It’s a two way street but my self self respect has guided my decision to say goodbye to those folks for now.

I share all this as a backstory to the song Good Enough that is my personal story of the Family of Origin Sleuth Work that was unfolding for me in 2009 when the words and chorus melody came to me during a meditation session while visiting Nashville. As I have grappled with my healing process over the last 3 years this song continues to be a healing salve for my nervous system.

In the wake of the death of my brother last Christmas Eve and the rabbit hole of Ancestral Shadow Work I’ve been down since that time I am surrendering to new levels of Forgiveness of myself, my family and others everyday. As a part of my daily energetic healing practice I use the ancient Hawaiian Spiritual Self-Healing Technique: Ho’oponopono - “I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.” as a mantra. It’s all in process and I’ll keep sharing as my journey continues… Just trying to be real with it all.

Thank you for listening and witnessing me.